Food Issues
Many N.D and especially Autistic folks can experience issues around their relationships with food, eating, and their bodies. It is really important to not shame them for their food and eating needs.
In particular, we can be described as ‘selective’, ‘fussy’ or ‘picky’ eaters. The reality can be that Autistic folks can experience extreme sensory aversions to some textures, tastes or smells. The sensory experience can be so bad that it becomes a traumatizing experience, and the result can often be that the individual then has a trauma response to being presented with certain foods - or, in extreme cases, with eating at all.
N.D and especially Autistic people, are at disproportionately high risk of developing body dysmorphia, dysphoria’s, and eating disorders. ARFID, a particularly risky co-occurring eating disorder, is marked by extremely restricted eating caused by traumatic responses and fears of foods/eating. ARFID is believed to occur in about 3% of the general population, but upwards of 20% of the Autistic community.
As parents, we all want to give our children the best chances at being healthy and happy, and healthy eating habits are important. Conventional parenting advice tells us to encourage children to eat a varied diet, and some people will give advice like: “make them eat whatever you make… You aren’t a restaurant - they can sit at the table until it is finished… Force them to take 3 bites! If you don’t make them try things, they will wind up only eating chicken fingers their entire lives, and you need to socialize them better than that!”
I think we have all heard versions of those sentiments, from (mostly) well-meaning friends and relatives.
The truth is, it is a great thing to have various foods available for your child to try, and it is great to encourage their curiosity about trying foods. But if they don’t like the food, for one reason or another, you shouldn’t force it on them. How would you like it, if your partner forced you to eat something you despised? Or if a peer forced you to eat something that made you throw up? I imagine you’d categorize that relationship as abusive. Why is it different just because your child is smaller than you?
‘Safe foods’ refers to foods that your child can count on, to usually be able to eat without issue. Often, Autistic kiddos will have a few safe foods that are fairly constant - though, they can change of course, and we shouldn’t make a big deal of it when they do. Safe foods are often foods that kids can count on for their consistency; as a result, they will often be something pre-packaged or a fast-food choice. It makes sense: as an Autistic person, our nervous systems are constantly under assault and feeling challenged. Everything is draining to us, and if we are particularly drained we need comfort and sameness. McDonald’s chicken nuggets? They taste, smell, and look the same every time, no matter which drive-through I go to. But Mom’s homemade chicken? It could be different each time, it is unpredictable.
I find it best to keep safe foods on hand, when possible, so that if we make a meal that my kiddo cannot eat for any reason, we have a quick and easy back-up and he doesn’t have to skip eating, or feel bad about not being able to eat what I’ve made.
Sometimes his food choices narrow down to fewer safe foods, and we have gone through stages where even the usual go-to’s just aren’t cutting it. It might look like a whole week of eating the same flavour of ramen and 1 kind of cereal.
In our home, because eating is fairly kid-led and shame-free, these restrictive eating stages don’t usually last long - and they are usually indicative of a larger problem brewing: either he is coming down with an illness and his system feels very ‘off’, or he is on the edge of Autistic burnout and is deeply fatigued. His nervous system needs calm, comfort, consistency, and deep rest to stave off meltdown and complete burnout. So in these stages of very restrictive eating, the best thing to do is honour the safe foods and let him eat what/when he wants, and rest.
If you have an Autistic kiddo who has bouts of restricted food choices, if they can stand to eat a daily vitamin, it is a great choice to help get some extra nutrients in.
It is vitally important to believe our kids when they say they can’t eat something. We need to stop saying, “they won’t eat that” and change it to “they can’t eat that”, so that we help them to feel supported and unashamed.
Shaming our kids about their food choices is the fastest way to ensure that they are going to develop disordered eating habits or self-harming behaviours. No loving parent would exchange compliance at the dinner table, for a kid with an eating disorder - and I promise you, if you shame them over their food and eating, you are on the track to do just that.
If we want our Autistic kiddos to have a healthy relationship with their bodies and with eating, we need to:
honour their safe foods.
offer new foods, but do not force them.
change our language from ‘won’t’ to ‘can’t’.
believe them if they say they can’t.
let them lead the way.
The best time to begin behaving this way with our kids in the kitchen and at the dinner table, is from birth. The second best time to start, is now. If you’ve messed it up and caused your child hurt or trauma over food - you aren’t alone. I did it too. I took the bad advice from well-meaning people, too.
What you need to do, once you realize, is: deeply and unreservedly apologize to your child. Tell them you understand better, and won’t behave like that again. Tell them they are in the lead - and mean it. They might over-exert their control, to test you. Let them. Earn their trust back. If they are willing, seek a therapist together. Change… grow…. make eating a way to connect with each other.
Bon appetit!